A pause moment

I am away from my normal city- frantic-like -a headless-chicken- life and routine. I am in East London, a town that seems to have mastered the art of exhaling long held breathes and breathe through its being. In this stunning bed and breakfast called the White House where I am staying, when I open my eyes, they feast upon the view of the ocean. It struck me then, as these things often do in the wee hours of the morning, when the world is still enveloped in the mysteries of silence that I do not have enough silence in my life.

There are constantly sounds around me, the buzz of street cars, hooting motorist, blasting music, children screaming, shouting and being joyful (the best sounds by far) and the humdrum of people going about in their everyday life, keeping the beast  of industries going.

Sitting here overlooking the ocean, I am reminded of the gifts that silence brings:

 quiet contemplation of life;

to listen and really hear my own heartbeat;

the pleasure of feeling my own breath caress my skin into aliveness

Suddenly I feel a lot more slowed ,relaxed.  I suppose that is the charm of such places, the silent places——>they return you to yourself.

I wish I could stay all day in this space, but alas, work calls.

As I get into the day, my  intention is to let the silence burrow inside me and remind me when things get frantic to pause a-while and find the silence within.

I wish you a joyful silence too.

Namaste

the in and out

Searching for a familiar face amongst dozen on the street
I see none.
Waiting for the tell-tale tingling and churning of the stomach that let’s me know that the arrival is imminent
I feel none.
Deep tightly coiled bile sits on the caves of the stomach
Waiting for the moment when it shall vomit itself unceremoniously into the stage of the world
None comes.
Hot dry throat parched waits upon the saliva that will be its emollient to oil the pipes
The reflex does not produce saliva

instead

 hot bitter bile makes its entrance marching to a whirlwind of a storm inside and out
it caves seeking refuge
Finding none.

Dreaming new dreams: Change as catalyst

So what do you see when you look at this, A tree right?

For me I see being rooted,quietly and confidently standing still although  shaken and some of the self (leaves) is on the ground. I see me and so many others that I know.

There is that famous saying “Change is inevitable” and one must learn to live with it. It is true, change will come whether one accepts it or not. The difference  lies in one’s attitude towards that change. If you view it as an irritation, something to constantly fight then you lose the joyous gifts that it can bring. I can hear the little voice in my head having its moment of silence before the hysterical laughter. Joyous did she say? She actually says change can be joyous??? If that’s not losing your mind then I don’t know what is.

And perhaps one should lose ones minds…..afterall how is one ever suppose to find a new way of doing something new if you stick to the same pattern or in the words of  Albert Einstein insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result!

So how does one know when it’s time to dream anew?

So often one gets a sense or a feeling, some might call it instinct or whatever you choose to call it, we all have it and it lets you know that something deep down is not right. The difference often lies in the choice we make about that feeling. We can ignore it and hide under the fluffy landscape of our lives and hope against blessed hope that it disappears or we can read about it, search the internet in hopes of a solution (that may or may not come) or  we can look at it and choose to see it for what it is. An opportunity to rewrite the script of your life! Imagine a whole brand new blank canvas that you can choose the landscape, textures and colours that speak to your souls longing and desires….what a joyous experience!

Toolkit for making it in the whirlwind of change

Permission from yourself to yourself to become part of the change as opposed to it just happening to you – this makes it more your process and unique to you

lots and lots and lots and lots of courage (an everyday process)

Kindness and gentleness to yourself…a beautiful butterfly does after all come from a worm

time to do whatever you need in order to get through it (My personal favourites include: thinking, eating, crying , sleeping, raging, laughing, writing, dancing and pampering my self)

a safe space where there are no demands on you, other than to be who you are

forgiveness of self (for that which you could have, should have, might have done….but did not)

a good dose of humour

So today I dare to change that which no longer works for me and dream a new dream, one that will hurl me into the magnificent whirlwind of life. A place where I have no or very little control (rather scary) but where I need to go and I guess if we really visit the dark corridors of ourselves (who wants to go there?????) we find the treasure that is the catalyst to change.

What a beautiful way to dream a new dream:).

Namaste

The business of being

When you are young, you wish with all yo might that you were older, wiser and seemingly more clever. You are consumed with the idea of your own immortality, for surely you will live forever. And anyone beyond the age of 20 assumes an air of being ancient in your eyes, for 20years is an eternity in the life of a 5year old. When you reach that age the realities of that growth assuage you, and you find yourself pondering certain issues and experiences. You become a lot less free in your associations and discrimination based on choice becomes your old friend. When you have amassed and rallied a few troops that you consider your foot soldiers and your back up when lifes storms threaten to engulf you, you cocoon yourself in a malleable medium that allows you to break out when the need arises, and to hide when the outside is louder than the inside of your heart. You meet loneliness in the passages and shadows of your dwelling space and like an old friend that you know so well, there is no need to say much, you merely acknowledge the presence of the other with a resignation born of long, bitter cold nights of companionship. Silence becomes your friend, your shield, your armour. One wears it much the same as the scars of a battle….a testament that you too have gone through that fire. Joy becomes the preserve of the elite…
What then becomes of that song that is threatening to burst through your lips at any moment or the twitch in your foot that taps steadily to the rythm only you can hear? Will you toss it to the dungeon and throw away the key for fear that such joy might compel you to discard your old friend loneliness? What then of the insistent tap of your foot, that want to let you transform yourself through motion? Will you deny that for fear of the jury, that is the four walls you built inside your house? Oh what of joy!, so rebellious that it seeps through the malleable medium you have cocooned yourself in? Defiant beyond ambition? Convinced of its need to be and to belong to you.

Energy

When I awake, I trace the silhouette of your shadow with my eyes

Not looking

Endeavouringto feel

To believe in this moment that the energy is real

Not that which is a construct of my conscious mind I don a tutu to do a pivot

Using my limbs to communicate the often complex, entangled, disparate energy

Some call it emotions I don’t care much for the name it assumes

For I know that in the name lives the energy

For that’s what I choose to call it When I asleep, I swim the tide of the pitch black river waters floating Floating with no resistance I do the pivots, the grand elaborate ensemble of flicks, fans and rondes

Gliding the gravity of the dark waters Calling…

That which is you and I to the fore This energy

The thrill of dating myself

A while back it occurred to me that I never do much for myself, I am forever the best of everything to everyone. Like most woman who I know I am actively employed in the service of others , with work hours that are never-ending and remuneration that’s irregular but makes me feel great in the form of “thank you” and the occasional actual money (and oh how some camps love it!).
In an inspired moment, I thought OK I will take myself out on a date for a change. No sooner had I made the decision than I was beset with the guilt of all that I would be leaving unattended and ofcourse, the unbearable thought of how everything would simply fall apart without me there! The very notion of being replaceable was simply too much to deal with. Nonetheless after many “reasons” why I could not go on this planned date, curiosity got the better of me and in the end I went.
First decision….what kind of date? Lunch seemed safer (after all a lone lady at night can raise eyebrows and my brave-o-meter is simply not there YET!)
With that settled I planned all the delicious things I would do and did. The most surprising adventure of the day was the reaction of the waiter in this particular restaurant I went to. The gentleman in question is tall dark and definitely temperature raising with what I decided was a Barry White kinda voice. He asks “how come a lady like yourself is out alone, is there no mister”? AHEM….slience. After recovering from the semi-stunned brain exile I thought oh! hang-on this is unusual right after I felt like I should explain my lack of ‘otherness’ in the picture. I did not offer the tempting explanation, instead I simply smiled and said “do I need someone all the time”? You can imagine the blush and my secret feeling of victory!

Here is what I learned about that day and myself:
There is no awkward silence and furtive glances wondering who is going to start the conversation!
Creating little moments of magic for yourself helps especially when it seems there’s less of it in your world.
Going out alone is liberating (right after you get over the anxiety)
It offers one a fresh perspective on things and lets you secretly gaze at all the fabulous people you can’t look at when with the ‘other’.
It an act of great care and compassion towards yourself
best of all, there is no one to rush you and can spend absolute hours lost in your self.
if time is in short supply, a small act such as plugging in some music or going for a walk has the exact same effect.

Experiencing a season of joyful wildness!

I am so inspired by the work of SARK and her take on what it means to be a succelent wild women! In her book Succulent Wild Women she defines this women as “a woman of any age who feels free to fully express herself in every dimension of her life”.  I love, love the use of the word succulent….it evokes within me such abandon, tasty and scrumptious sensations of delight!  According to the free dictionary the word succulent means:

1. Full of juice or sap; juicy. 2. Botany Having thick, fleshy, water-storing leaves or stems. 3. Highly interesting or enjoyable; …

 And now here I am pondering this very idea and wondering when was the last time I invited this sort of succulence in my life?

I am asking myself when was the last time I allowed myself to feel or be juicy? Or to consider that I could be the vessel that is thick, fleshy and knowledge storing and giving?

I love this sort of wildness, it appeals to  my sense of adventure. It speaks to me of being daring;

daring to be different;

to wear colours that are bold and unconventional;

to step out into the world fully within my power and presence;

 and to laugh into the wide open spaces whilst being romance by the dawn of a new day and its possibilities.

Namaste